echolalia75 (echolalia75) wrote in caregiving,

So far down the rabbit hole...

...seeing a light at the end of the hole is more likely a train coming at me than peace and enlightenment.

I think I've finally hit a wall and I'm so blinded by the frustration and anger and confusion that rather than trying something else or making some positive changes, I just keep backing up a few steps and running head on into it over and over.

I'm taking care of my mother She has a random and winding list of issues including but not limited to: a stroke accompanied by severe short term memory loss and drastic behavior changes, high blood pressure, a bleeding ulcer (which was misdiagnosed repeatedly and ended with her being seen for psych evals because the blood loss and dehydration made her hallucinate), s/p gastric bypass surgery (she had major complications with the surgery and with the knees in such bad shape, she's had an issue with continuing to lose weight since her mobility is limited.) and a history of depression/anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).The PTSD was diagnosed during and in-patient stay in a mental health facility after her older and younger brother died within 7 months of each other, one of them in her home. Surrounding these two events there was also a large amount of family drama and bullsh!t. She is also waiting to get three surgeries: 2 total knee replacements and left shoulder rotator cuff repair). The right knee surgery is finally being done 2/19/09 after waiting for more than a year to find someone willing to do it.

I had been a caregiver to my grandmother, essentially since the day she found out she was sick. Shortly after she died of leukemia in 2001 we found out my Uncle Don (mom's older brother) had leukemia also. I pitched in with that helping him with tasks and with his kids and whatever was needed. At some point during this time, my mom and Uncle Don rekindled their relationship with their estranged younger brother Mike. He had recently found out he had colo-rectal cancer and wanted to make some amends. I helped him out, getting back and forth to appointments and shopping and other small tasks. In November of 2005 I moved to MN. I was going to school and living a happy and for the first time independent life. In March of '07 my mother's older brother, Don, passed away. There was no shortage of drama and stress that surrounded the entire family at that point. Unfortunately, I was unable to return home for the funeral. So soon after moving, I just didn't have the money to make a trip back. At some point my mother's younger brother, Mike, got sick enough that he could no longer live on his own and moved in with my mom. He died in October of '07, just 7 months after Don.

There is so much more. So much detail and stress and drama. My boyfriend and I moved to Tennessee because Mom just couldn't do it alone anymore. The stress of dealing with her day in day out...I call it Groundhog Day. I wake up to the same questions, the same arguments, the same issues every day. I talk with her, explain things, answer questions, deal with her being emotional, crying, rude, accusatory, repeatedly asking for things she knows she can't or shouldn't have, getting sick because she does them, swearing she'll never do them again and going to bed that night knowing I'm going to wake up to the exact same thing the next day and she won't even remember it happened. Couple that with the fact that my boyfriend has decided to move back to MN for a bit to settle some issues he has and to get a break from all this drama...I'm pretty well spent. I'm just brain dead. I don't know how much more I can do, how much farther I can go. I bring up therapy for my mom at least 5 times a day and all I get is "you don't understand" or "why can't you just listen to me?" I'm not equipped for that. I can't handle all the stuff she talks about. I'm just not the person for it and she thinks that's rude on my part.

I'm at the point where I'm at the end of my rope and rather than tie a knot and hang on it's sounding more appealing to tie a noose and slip it over my head.

I just feel so shitty for feeling this way when I know I shouldn't.
Thanks for listening.

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